Better Than Cured-- A Six Point Self-Guide to Healing and Happiness, An Introduction

For a long time I have tried to summarize the essence of my work with patients. If you had asked me a few years ago how I practice, I would have answered: "I do whatever it takes for my patients to get well." And they did. One of my patients thanked me for helping him manage a rough spot in his life by saying, "I am now better than cured. I am happy." For a long time I assumed patients had this kind of experience whenever they worked with a psychiatrist. I have learned that it is less common than I thought.

One of my cardinal goals is to push my patients' recovery beyond the absence of symptoms--normally defined as healed or "cured"-- and help them emerge from their suffering into an emotional realm of satisfaction and happiness. Equally important is to teach them how to fend off life's difficulties and emotional roller coasters as much as possible on their own.

I help my patients feel empowered again and in touch with the energy force present in each one of us--the inner core being--true engine of our actions, thoughts and feelings. I help them learn the pragmatic tools of realistic goal setting, planning and decision making, leading them more directly to where they want to be in their lives. I give them plenty of tools to handle their emotional well-being. That helps them understand themselves better, prevent and control their emotional reaction patterns and make better choices. I also teach them how to know how to prevent or avoid an emotional disorder episode, so that they will not have to spend months and months being emotionally despondent while losing important relationships, jobs, income and self-respect.

Even in the absence of an emotional problem, even when going to a psychiatrist has never been necessary, we are constantly looking for ways to achieve a better, happier life. I have distilled the essence of my experience into this self-guide for healing and happiness--a new and original approach.



A turquoise lake on the High Plateau of Tibet, at 15,000 feet altitude.


This guide can effectively assist you in your efforts, and give you a reliable framework you can easily use to achieve better results in return for your efforts.

I follow these guidelines in my own life and I find them very helpful. In exploring them, please remember that there is no right or wrong way of approaching them. No matter how you decide to try them, use them in a way that benefits you the most. This is the only rule. Avoid feeling guilty about the past and fearful about the future. The past cannot be changed and the future is in your power to design and construct.

Here is a brief introduction to Better Than Cured--A Six Point Self-Guide to Healing and Happiness:

1. Self-knowledge: Everything begins with you. You are your own best means to create a happy, successful and balanced life for yourself. Become your best friend. Get to know yourself well. Learn and respect what you like and make peace with or change what you don’t like about yourself. Learn how to comfort yourself and address yourself as you would your best friend. Make peace with your character flaws and forgive your missteps.

(You will find more details, examples and practical applications of this guideline in the upcoming e-course.)

2. Outer directed awareness: If self-knowledge refers to understanding yourself--inner directed awareness--awareness of the world is about understanding the world outside of yourself and your interrelationship with it--outer directed awareness.

Outer directed awareness begins with the world of your everyday life and expands, as your awareness itself expands, to the world at large. Preoccupied of our immediate world as we all are at times, we cannot afford to live in ignorance of the world at large because it affects us profoundly. Think, for example, elections or global warming. At a certain level, everything is interconnected. Our lives are interwoven in the fabric of our times; and because of that, we need to be mindful of the world around us. There is no need to feel overwhelmed. Steadily keep your eyes open, learn about it as much as you can and form your own opinion about what is going on.


Also try to develop a greater awareness of yourself in the context of your personal world. Carefully identify your place in it, the problems you are facing and the reasons why you are not happy or not moving forward. Be honest with yourself and stop being afraid of what you will see in yourself.


3. Self-help: Listen, read and learn how to use your creativity and imagination to find trouble-shooting solutions for dealing with life’s problems: dealing with a demanding boss or annoying neighbor; managing a bad date or enjoying a good one; finding new and healthy ways to relax; learning how to say “no” politely when you need to, rather than going along with something that makes you unhappy; being assertive but not abrasive, and so on. Don’t shy away from or ignore such problems. Start thinking creatively of possible tools you can learn to use, and try them one by one. Your creativity and curiosity will be stimulated. Your confidence will soar when you know you can handle awkward situations as they arise. You will feel more in control, more relaxed, and you will definitely have more fun.

Tibet--The High Plateau

4. Self-therapy: The tools of psychotherapy work in the psychiatrist's office, and they can work for you as well if you learn how to apply them to your own situation. Some of the well tested and most effective psychotherapy techniques are:

• placing mind-over-mood--diminishes the emotional response and emphasizes the rational one instead--cognitive behavioral therapy or CBT






• changing perspective to look at a problem from more than one angle, which will reveal other ways to approach and handle it for a better outcome--reframing therapy






• understanding the meaning and motivation of your own behavior and reactions by paying attention to yourself, your feelings and your thoughts; become clued into how and why you are reacting to the world in a certain way and how you can reshape that interaction to establish a better relationship between yourself and others, between your actions and their impact on your life--insight oriented therapy.

You can learn how to use these techniques by yourself. They are widely used by leaders of all orientations and by highly successful people in general. You do not need to have an "emotional disorder" to benefit a great deal from them. But whether you are dealing with an emotional problem or not, your life can be significantly improved by learning these tools, and you will have an easier time navigating through life's challenges when you do.


If you need more help, consider working with a psychiatrist, psychotherapist or a counselor to further guide and assist you.

(In the e-course I will explain when and how to find this qualified help. You will also find more explanations, case examples and practical ways to apply these tools to your own situation.)

Tibet--The High Plateau

5. Be mindful of the vast ocean of choices available to you: At any given point, you are faced with choices. They can be many and they can be confusing. You can sort them out by keeping an open mind and learning as much as you can about each one of them. One such important choice is whether to use medication to help you manage an emotionally overwhelming situation after you have exhausted all other reasonable options.

Biochemical changes in the brain, spontaneous or created by certain environmental situations, can trigger strong emotional reactions of anxiety and/or depression . Their toxic effect on the brain can be decreased by using anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medications. About 60% of people suffering from depression and anxiety have inherited a genetic predisposition to these disorders. Other people never got the chance to learn better ways to handle difficult situations and stumble through life feeling more and more anxious and hopeless until they become long term anxious or depressed. Many have forgotten how it feels to be well.

After you have tried other options (self-help, therapy, counseling) and feel that you are still not moving forward or you are still plagued by overwhelming anxiety or depression, you may consider the temporary use of medications to help you better and faster overcome these obstacles.

To use the medication option you will need the expertise and help of a psychiatrist. But by learning as much as any reasonable non-specialist can learn about this option, you will be in a better position to influence your own treatment, including bringing in your pertinent observations and insights. This way, you will make better choices about what medications to try for how long. And you will have a far better idea of what to expect. You can become an active participant in your own treatment rather than a passive recipient, and the outcome will be significantly better.

As a general rule, if you are ever in doubt whether you should consider medications or not, don’t cut your options short. Make an appointment with a psychiatrist for a consultation and discuss the options. You may feel it is exactly what you need, or you may want to put this option aside and come back to it later if you still have difficulties. It is entirely your call.

(I will provide more examples and details about this complex subject, scary for many, in the e-course. You will become more comfortable with this option so that if you must use it, you will feel much better about it.)




Tibet--The High Plateau

6. Self-driven action: Change happens only when you shift from contemplating the change to taking real action. You are in the driver's seat. Keep your life in balance while you are moving forward. To build a happy life, understand that you are its architect, builder and owner--all at the same time. There are specific ways in which you can set healthy goals, and there are important skills you can use when designing effective strategies, which are action paths toward reaching your goals. But there is nothing you cannot learn once your mind is set on that path. When your emotions are in balance and you feel confident in yourself, you can make good use of all the opportunities life will offer. Remain open minded and unafraid of change. Adjust to new situations in healthy ways.

Does that sound like a lot? From the moment you start having your first victories and breakthroughs you will see how addictive it is to feel in control and to make good things happen in your life. It is exhilarating. It is so empowering that, when they get to this level, people usually feel there is no obstacle able to stop them from their course. Be mindful and remain true to yourself. Your life will gradually transform into a wonderful journey. Observe the transformation process. You will be amazed of how far you can go. Take enough time to make changes. Relax and enjoy your victories along the way. The journey itself and all that you will learn and experience will be valuable, fulfilling and joyous far before you will reach the final goal. You don't have to wait to be happy. You can begin this journey right now and enjoy its benefits from today forward. Take these guidelines to heart. Work with them and you will see the positive changes in yourself, just as I have seen them in my patients and within myself.

I will go into greater detail about each one of these guidelines and how to apply them to your own situation in the upcoming BetterThan Cured--A Six Point Self-Guide to Healing and Happiness e-course. To receive the e-course, you may sign up by entering your name and e-mail address in the sign-up box. One chapter a week will be delivered, for seven weeks, directly in your mailbox. It doesn't cost you anything to sign up, to receive or to use the course. Just work with it and, if you will, send me feedback about what works and what doesn't work well for you. I hope it will help you figure out some long sought answers and some viable solutions whatever you are trying to accomplish.

To better assist you in understanding this self-guide, I have created a visual image of it:

In the center of the diagram, I have used the symbol of the Zen circle to represent the inner core being.

The Zen circle, or The Enso, (Japanese for 'circle') is a Zen symbol of the absolute, the true nature of existence and enlightenment. It is a symbol that combines the visible and the hidden, the simple and the profound, the empty and the full. As an expression of infinity, it has links to the western lemniscate, and may be painted so that there is a slight opening somewhere in the circle, showing that the Enso is not contained in itself, but that it opens out to infinity. The enso, a simple circle drawn with a single, broad brushstroke, is the zen symbol of infinity. It represents the infinite void, the 'no-thing,' the perfect meditative state, and Satori (enlightenment.), according to the Dharma Memphis, a comprehensive web site on Buddhism you can visit when you click the above quote and link.

I have chosen this particular symbol not because of its religious aspect, although you may interpret it that way if you are so inclined, but because the Enso symbol is, to me, an invitation to introspection and self-exploration, perfectly aligned with the whole idea of a "self-guide": experiment and arrive at your own conclusion about everything.


I invite you to print out this image and use it as your personal work sheet.

The e-course will have practical exercises that will help you fill in the blank spaces of the diagram with whatever represents you--your life and your insight about introspection and personal choices.

The diagram is easy to understand and self-explanatory for the most part, so you can use it on your own as well as with the help of the e-course.

You can use images or words, phrases, lists of words or pictures--anything and everything that speaks to you. Use freely your creativity. This is not a contest. It doesn't have to be perfect. It has only the role of visually representing you in your own eyes. No matter what you do, you can never go wrong with it. It is only a tool to help you more clearly see what is missing in your life and how to make up for that missing part.

This is my own image of the Better Than Cured Self-Guide. Yours, I am sure, will look very different.

Let's work together:

Anytime you are ready, even if you are not completely done, you can take a picture of your visual representation of the Better Than Cured Self-Guide and e-mail it to me at betterthancured@gmail.com. I will keep track of these images and I will post them in a special blog post. You will even be able to vote for the one you like the best.

When you email me, please let me know if you would like me to use in the blog post, along with your diagram, your name, your initials or no identification at all. I will promptly respect your wishes and your right to confidentiality and privacy.

I look forward to your feed-back. Please do not hesitate to leave me your thoughts on this in the comment section below. I assure you that each and every one of your comments will teach me a great deal about how to fine tune and make this self-guide better and easier to understand and use.

Take the "Better Than Cured Self-Guide to Healing and Happiness" for a ride and see what it can do for you!

GODS AND MONASTERIES OF TIBET

Is a series started by the inventivity of Unknown Mami. She is amazing. Check out her blog! Click on the image of "Sundays In My City" and you will see other travel stories along with her own.


There is no such thing as "Tibet at a glance." A culture thousands of years old, deeply rooted in spirituality cannot even begin to be understood by a foreign mind in only a few weeks. It takes years and years of studies, learning the language, living in Tibet among its people to catch a good glimpse of what Tibet really is. So forgive me for not pretending to be able to give you anything more than a snap shot of the people and the places that live and endured at the "top of the world," on the High Plateau of the Himalayas.

Traveling from the Tibetan-Nepalese border in a four wheel drive Toyota Land cruiser, one of the most reliable brands in those parts of the world, we passed by many Tibetan villages. They are usually small, only a few houses, and very isolated. They are completely dominated by the majestic landscapes surrounding them.

It was snowing at 16,000 feet altitude that day and almost everyday according to our guide.

The air was so thin that, although I was breathing deeply and more frequently than I ever remember breathing, I felt my muscles aching for oxygen even after walking 15 paces without a break.

This is one of the four guardians painted on the wall at the entrance of monasteries, in charge with keeping the bad spirits away. This guardian is from the Sakya Monastery, built in 1268 as a monastery and a watchtower.

Prayer wheels at Sakya Monastery. The colouring of the buildings are a characteristic ash grey with white and red, symbolising the Rigsum Gonpo--trinity of bodhisattvas--and distinctive mark of Sakya authority.

The road to Shigatse was steep. It was winding up and down the mountains in large hair-pin curves and sharp turns. The landscape was eerie, desert like, harsh and unforgiven. Being among these giant mountains I understood in a direct physical and spiritual way that I was only an aunt on this planet, a small particle with a life of a fraction of a second compare to these mountains that will endure for generations to come until the end of the world, piercing the sky with their peaks, indifferent to the passing of time--a very humbling perspective I will never forget.

At the top of the passes, people have hung prayer flags, for the high winds to take their wishes and sorrows the shortest way to the heavens and gods. Unable to carry with me a more comprehensive assortment of reference books on Tibet, I was consulting my little Lonely Planet travel guide about the Tashilhunpo Monastery in Shigatse. It was "built in 1447 by Genden Drup--The First Dalai Lama of the Gelugpa branch of Tibetan Buddhism. The Fifth Dalai Lama raised the prestige and standing of the monastery by declaring his teacher--then abbot of Tashilhunpo--to be a manifestation of Amitabha. Tashilhunpo became the seat of an important lineage: the Penchen ('great scholar') Lamas, secondary only to the Dalai Lama."

There is now a big controversy in the Tibetan world about the current Penchen Lama. The Chinese are trying to impose their own Penchen Lama, only a puppet in their hands--the faux Lama. The Dalai Lama recognizes a different Penchen Lama who is imprisoned and perhaps killed by the Chinese Communism regime. There is a good article on this subject in Asia Sentinel if you would like to read more.

This was by far my favorite monastery we visited. It looked almost like a medieval city. Many monks still live here. Their quarters are nestled in ancient buildings connected by a labyrinth of alley ways of broken stone crisscrossing the compound. The mountain right behind it dominates the whole complex, constant reminder of the smallness of people and all their enterprises compare with the power of nature.

Galleries inside the monastery.

The monumental entrance in the main temple.

Beating the clay to create floors harder and more durable than cement.

A guardian god at the entrance of the main temple.

Guardian lion god at the entrance of Pelkor Chode Monastery in Gyantse, a town of 15,000 people, at 12,000 feet altitude. Many of the mythical animals, like this lion, have never been seen in reality by the artists who painted them. They just learn to follow a painting tradition. That is why they often look very stylized and almost abstract.

The fortress of Gyantse.

Guardian god at the entrance of a chapel.

Guardian god at the entrace of the temple.


The Gyantse Kumbum, built in 1427. It has a spiral walk away you can take to the top and which is lined up with many small chapels, each one them the host of a treasure: statues of gods and goddesses, wall painting and mandalas.

Gods and Goddesses in the monastery.

A true treasure of the world: Buddhist manuscripts, fiercely guarded for hundred of years in caves during wars, and in the monasteries in the peace time. Highly revered, they are subject of study, research and great respect.

Lhasa--preparing to ascend into the Potala Palace, the former seat of the monastic government of Tibet until the Chinese have invaded the country in 1950s. Now a museum.

The Jokhang Monastery in Lhasa, one of the most revered monasteries in Tibet and final destination of many pilgrims.

Norbulingka Park--the former summer residence of the Dalai Lamas. This is one of the libraries.

Gate at Norbulingka Palace decorated with lion head masks.

The north gate of Norbulingka Park. The south gate that the 14th Dalai Lama used to escape the Chinese artillery fire in 1959 has been closed and never reopened again after his dramatic escape disguised as a soldier.

To learn more about Tibet and its struggles to survive the systematic work of assimilation and cultural annihilation done by the Chinese Communist government, you may start by reading Robert Turman's article Why Tibet Matters So Much.

There are places in the world of such dramatic natural beauty and compelling history that can only be truly experienced by being there and taking them in directly, through all the senses. Tibet is one of these places. Perhaps one day you too, my dear reader, will venture there.

WHAT MAKES US CHANGE?

Recently I had two patients back to back that were facing the need of a major change—a job change—and kept postponing it.


For months they knew they needed to make this change. Yet they were not doing anything about it but worry. They kept searching for and finding excuses to justify the longer and longer delay in taking action. They avoided taking those decisive steps that could have taken them out of their professional misery and helped them feel excited again about their work and careers.


Meanwhile, their anxiety levels mounted. Their sleep became more fitful. They felt more and more hopeless and unsure of themselves. Their anxiety is getting worse. Much worse. The panic attacks are slowly creeping back after months of absence.


In therapy, these patients and I have been talking for months about this. Together, we have designed logical, step-by-step strategies of how to look for a new job using time tested life coaching techniques. We have contemplated the negative emotional implications of not changing jobs—hopelessness and burnout—using insight oriented psychotherapy. We have looked at this issue using the “cause-and-effect” methods of cognitive behavioral therapy. We have used antianxiety medications to take some of the fear out of the way. They were still unable to move forward with the inevitable changes they were facing and still took no action to change course, even as they watched themselves becoming more and more miserable.

Tibet--on the road from Kathmandu to Lhasa, approx. 14,000 feet altitude

Why would they do that to themselves? Why would anybody? What could ultimately make them take the actions they need to take to heal their fears and hopelessness?

As they took longer and longer to act, I was wondering what more, as their psychiatrist, I could do to help them. What did I do wrong? What is the engine that could help these people, and thousands like them, out of their inertia? Must I just sit back and witness the decline in their health and well-being until they hit some kind of an emotional “rock bottom” when pure desperation will make them spring into a stressful, panic driven action? I was using all the right tools and techniques of my field. Yet something important was still missing.

Contemplating this situation I realized that if I want to really help my patients act and change, I must devote my attention not only to presenting them with good choices but to also helping them find their inner strength, power, motivation and confidence to enable them to effectively work with some of these helpful choices I suggested to them. After all, according to the accepted standards of my profession, all the expert advice and professional support I can give them are just options of actions my patients may choose to integrate into their lives or not. In order to better help my patients I should find a way to go far beyond just presenting my patients with a series of possibly good choices.

In order for people to change, they need to get in touch with themselves at levels deeper than superficial logic or feelings. That level of self-awareness is the subconscious mind or core being. It is an inner place of powerful emotions and insights, a place from which many of our decisions originate. It can be accessed spontaneously when we experience a powerful emotion or when we allow ourselves to be calm and still. But it can also be accessed by getting into the habit of developing that awareness, of feeling and being closer and kinder to ourselves. The barriers that stop the conscious mind feeling fully connected to our core being are many: allowing fear to dominate us; keeping ourselves in denial of our true thoughts and insights; allowing ourselves to become too greedy for material possessions to the point of sacrificing everything in exchange and adopting a stressful life style that leaves no time for peacefulness and contemplation; moving away from nature; persistently ignoring and postponing listening to our own feelings, and many others.

Pelkor Chode Monastery with its famous Kumbum (tower)--Gyantse, Tibet

The deep seated fear barriers commonly paralyze people, especially the anxious, when life requires them to take an action for change: fear that they are not capable of making the right choices, fear that they cannot trust in their own judgment and way of thinking, fear that they have allowed their motivation to wither and die in them along with the energy that fuels it.

Thinking along these lines, it became clear to me that in order to help these people who struggle so much within the boundaries of their own fears and limitations, I need to help them access the deeper levels of themselves. Empowered by the knowledge that they are the masters of their own lives, they can make the choices they need to make to create their own happiness. This is the spiritual dimension within the Better Than Cured intervention path I have identified in my work with patients. Again and again I am reminded of the limitations of the medical or psychological model practiced by most psychiatrists and psychologists today. With all its scientific merits, it is often unsuccessful when not accompanied by also helping people to get in touch with their spiritual dimension of their core being—true engine of our actions and well-being.

As you read about my own insights in this matter, remember that there are many ways to learn how to become more in touch with your own core being. There are many spiritual leaders you can discover and follow; there are many books you can read on this subject. Of special inspiration to me are the works and words of the Dalai Lama, Thich Nhat Hanh, Lama Surya Das, Jack Kornfield, to name only a few. Whatever your own spiritual heritage or choice, there are many insightful teachers to help you on your journey of self-discovery. You may also find people around you who have the wisdom of discovering these important insights by themselves and are willing to share with you that wisdom. You yourself may have discovered how good it feels to be at peace with your inner self but didn’t know what it was exactly or how to find your way back to that state. This whole issue of inner or core being is a secret hiding in plain sight. It is intrinsically part of who we are. All we need to do is stop ignoring it and begin to acknowledge it so that our true selves begin speaking to us, and we feel happy and at peace with ourselves and our actions.

All these barriers to accessing the deeper layers of our beings and fostering the power to change are not only true for my patients—a small sample of the large population—but it is true for every one of us. Think of yourself. What made you finally go to the gym after months of knowing that it’s a good idea but doing nothing about it? What made you finally studying for a test after days or weeks of postponing doing it? Or making a phone call to an estranged friend you wanted to get back in touch with? Or making a bigger move that changed your life for the better and you wished you wouldn’t have taken so long to do?

So when do we really make a meaningful change in our lives?

· When fear of the unknown becomes less scary than a familiar, known situation which has become too toxic and too unhealthy to allow it to continue?
· When we feel empowered and aware that we have the energy and the “know how” to carry out the change?
· When we reach some kind of a “rock bottom” from where there is no other way forward but changing course?

The list can go on and on. Feel free to add your own thoughts to this list!

What makes you change?
Have you felt that powerful connection with your core being? If you did, how has that helped you in your life?
What was the trigger that shifted you in to an action mode and helped you solve a crisis?
Who, if any, has guided you out of a crisis?
What have you learned about yourself in the process? What have you learned from that experience overall?

The beautiful Paro Valley at the foot of the Himalayas, with its imposing Paro Dzong (a dzong is a complex of buildings serving as monastery, administrative center and fortress at the same time)--Bhutan