BULLDOZE YOUR WAY THROUGH LIFE AND YOU WILL BECOME A VICTIM OF YOUR OWN ANGER

Martha stepped into my office very flustered and unhappy.

“Remember I told you how I can’t keep my mouth shut?” she rhetorically asked as soon as she sat down. “Well, it happened again.”

“Earlier today I had a doctor’s appointment at 9:00 AM. I got up and went there early. I got there about 8:30. My husband gave me a ride and was waiting for me to be done with it because he had an important meeting at 11:00. OK, I thought, no problem: I get there early, I am done with my appointment by ten at the latest, he will have time to take me home and make it to his appointment on time. Good plan, right? So I get there early and wait. Around 8:50 this woman comes in, all in a rush, saying that she had an 8:30 appointment, she was late and she was terribly sorry. She said something to the receptionist and, suddenly, I see that they are taking her in before me.”

“I was sitting there stewing. I could feel my blood boiling. I was watching the clock. It was 9:10, then 9:15, then on toward 9:30, ticking away toward making it impossible for my husband to keep his appointment. I was getting angrier and angrier. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I got up and asked to talk to the nurse.”

“It’s not fair, I said, surprised how angry and strange my own voice sounded even to me. For me to come here on time, even earlier, hoping to be done on time and now, look, I have to change my entire day for this person who is late. Couldn’t you take me instead of her? She had her appointment time set and she was late. Why can’t you take me now? The nurse did what they always do, apologized, and said they were short staffed and that the doctor decided to do it that way. But that generic answer only made me angrier. I kept saying it wasn’t fair, finding myself short for words. I remember I wanted to stop repeating that, but I couldn’t. My anger was more powerful than my will, and all I could do was to keep going with how unhappy I was and how unfairly I was treated.”

She paused, frustrated and short of breath.

“And then what happened?” I encouraged her.

“Nothing. They asked me if I wanted to talk to the manager. I said no, I wanted to have my appointment. Did I want to reschedule? No, I came to my appointment; I wanted to have my appointment.”

“Did you get to see the doctor?”

“Yes, at 9:45. The doctor was very short with me. I don’t think he even heard me through. But he did do what he was supposed to do for me. I knew I created a lot of mayhem in the office. But I was very concerned about my husband’s appointment.”

“Did he missed it?”

“Yes, he had to reschedule it for later in the day.

Actually, he was very nice about it, which made me feel like an idiot for being so worried about him. When I saw all the concerned and stressed out faces of the receptionists and nurses and the doctor being so cold with me, I felt really bad. I felt guilty and very angry at myself because I couldn’t handle this problem better. I feel very bad about my behavior. I wish I could stop bulldozing people like that. But I can’t keep my mouth shut. I just can’t,” and she ended her story with a big sigh.

She looked hopelessly at me, as if she were saying: Now it’s your turn; tell me how to fix it.

“So,” I started, “you had your appointment when they were able to see you despite your anger, and your husband ended up rescheduling his appointment anyway. What have you accomplished by being angry and trying to bulldoze everyone in the doctor’s office?”

“Nothing!” she said frustrated. “I accomplished nothing in the end. But how can I stop myself from doing it? I have pushed away many people behaving like this. I may have even lost my job because of it, I don’t know, because my latest boss was a certified bastard anyway. But I want to stop doing this. It drives me crazy.”

Obviously, as much distress as she may have caused in that doctor’s office, it was nothing compared to the pain and guilt she caused herself. Because she wasn’t a bad person, usually she cared about upsetting people. But in those circumstances when she was unstoppably driven by her anger, she could not veer away into a more reasonable behavior.

“It’s not your mouth that has to learn how to stay shut,” I said. ”It’s your mind that needs a different framework. For example, how do you know what delayed the woman with the appointment before you? Maybe she had an emergency in her family, or who knows what may have happened in her life that she had no control over. Maybe they were short of staff in the office. Maybe there were many other reasons that no one was telling you about. Have you thought of that? It’s likely you haven’t. You were so focused on yourself.”

“No, I didn’t focus just on myself. I wasn’t selfish. I was worried about my husband.”

“You see? Your worries, your husband, your appointment, your sense of things not being fair. And in the end, who suffered the most distress? The other people will do their best to forget they had to deal with an angry patient and move on with their day. But look how upset you remained. You can’t quiet your anger even now. Actually, its effect upon you is worse now when it’s mixed with guilt.”

“Yes, I can see that even though I was right, I behaved in an uncivilized way. I do that all the time. How can I change?”

We started talking about how the angry person often does the most damage to herself in anger. That is not the intended effect, but when most of us examine incidents of our own anger, we find this to be true.

As a matter of fact, when was the last time you were angry? Who suffered the most damage—you or the other person? Was it worth it in hindsight? Be honest with yourself.

I told Martha that preventing anger is infinitely more achievable than controlling it once it is unleashed. Taking things more at face value will help; for example, yes, maybe that late patient was late because she was careless, but isn’t it just as likely, maybe even more likely, that she had an emergency or an unforeseen complication that made her late for her appointment?

We also talked about the negative transformation of the angry person’s appearance: contorted face, clenched teeth, red face. But even more profound are the internal biological transformations related to anger and stress, like increased heart rate, shallow breathing and excessive release of cortisol—a stress hormone that in excess, leads to a decrease in immunity (the likely reason why we develop more colds when we are under stress), decrease in bone density, muscle tissue, memory and concentration and an increase in blood pressure and blood glucose. Research has shown that high levels of hostility persisting long term can lead to many biological changes, including more rapid aging. There are many toxic physical reactions to the mind’s anger and hostility.

Martha herself came to see me initially, “Because I am very anxious and I don’t have any friends.” She had never seen a psychiatrist before, but the level of emotional discomfort was so intense that she decided to take this “unusual” step, as she put it, of finally seeing a psychiatrist. She was also suffering from muscular pain, especially in her lower back--another indication that her anger translated into physical symptoms. It turned out she did meet the diagnosis criteria not only for anxiety but also for depression. She benefited from antianxiety/antidepressant medications and a mild sedative to help her as needed to faster decrease the intensity of her anxiety and depression symptoms. But her biggest problem was learning how to manage her anger—the likely source of her emotional and physical discomfort.

Anger is the most negative of emotions. It is nearly impossible to control it by suppressing it or simply deciding to “keep my mouth shot.” Cultivating patience and kind understanding of others helps us to avoid saying hurtful things to others and has a protective influence on our own physical and mental health.

The Dalai Lama said about anger, that wealth, power, or even education alone cannot give us protection from the destructive effects that anger has on ourselves. He stated in his bestselling book The Art of Happiness “The only factor that can give you refuge or protection from the destructive effects of anger and hatred is your practice of tolerance and patience.”

When I told Martha that changing the way she thinks will take practice, she looked at me puzzled. “Practice?” she said, “That is going to be hard.”

“Do you want to stop being angry at yourself whenever you act ‘uncivilized’ as you said?” I asked her.

“Yes,” she answered quickly, “I am very tired of that.”

“Do you want to be at peace with yourself?”

“Yes! Who doesn’t?”

“Well then, you already know how important these things are. You also need to know that they don’t just happen. The people around you that are polite and ‘civilized’ are like that because they made a conscious decision to be patient with others and not lose their cool. As this doesn’t happen by itself, you will need to practice it every day if you want to learn to be that way.”

“How can I practice? Where do I start?” she asked, looking for a practical way to proceed.
I took one of my prescription pads and wrote: I will treat people with kindness even when I don’t understand why things happen differently than the way I want or expect. Patience and kindness is the antidote of anger and hatred.

I handed the prescription over to her. She took a long look at it.

“I can’t fill this at the pharmacy, can I?” she said, half smiling.

“I am afraid not. But this is the prescription to help you in your practice. In the long run, it works much better than a pill.”

“I have been looking for a solution to this problem all my life. Could it be this simple?”

“It’s a start. Following this way of thinking, you will discover many other methods to control your anxiety, frustration and anger--like meditation, increased awareness, yoga or aerobic exercise, and relaxation techniques. You will select, in time, what works best for you. You have been absorbing this anger for over forty years. You will not be able to undo it without effort; and it will take more than a month or two of practice. But every day of your practice, you will get better and happier. People around you will relate more kindly to you. You will stop beating yourself up because of angry encounters. Instead, you will be proud of yourself for being able to control your emotions, decrease your anxiety and your depression and gain peace in your mind.“

“Promise?” she asked scared and excited at the same time.

Are you always on time? If not, are you late because of carelessness or mostly because of unexpected events? Do you think you deserve the benefit of the doubt when late? Do you extend the benefit of the doubt to others that are late for you? The truth is we all find ourselves in that position at one time or another. And how grateful we are to the person who extends kindness and patience to us!

I hope these pictures will set your mood toward serenity and peacefulness. This painting is my latest in the "adventures in watercolor" series.

"WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY THAT MY LOVE?"

I hope you all had a happy Valentine’s Day.

If you are not sure about that, here are some tips that might help you in the future.

I often find myself "translating" for my patients what their partners really were trying to tell them but failed to do so in a way that the other could understand. That usually creates a great deal of frustration both ways, frustration that can be easily alleviated by understanding the underlying meaning of what the other is saying--translating the spoken words into their true meaning.




Here are some examples:

One partner says to the other: “I am stressed out and I don’t know what to do.”

Translation: “I need your help. I need someone to encourage me, to be supportive and tell me I can still go on. It would be nice if that someone gave me permission to take a break or a day off to recharge.”

Best advice: Listen to what he/she says and, depending on the situation, be that supportive person who possibly suggests a break. If you know enough about the problem she/he is confronted with, cautiously venture to make some suggestions starting with, “Have you thought of doing…”





She says: “I don’t know if you really love me. I don’t know if you are happy in our relationship.” He replies: “But I am here!” in an exasperated voice. She looks puzzled: “And what does that mean?” she asks exasperatedly, completely missing his point.

Translation: When a man says, “I am here for you,” usually it means, “I love you and I am willing to tolerate your shortcomings; otherwise, I would be long gone.”

Best advice: Accept his awkward declaration of devotion for what it is. Understand he is there of his own volition and, in his way, he is telling you that he loves you, he is solid and he wants to be supportive of you. Although he may not always know how to do it and what to say, his presence is a material way of saying all these things.




Your girlfriend insists: “Please, you choose the restaurant this time.”

Translation: Don’t think she doesn’t know where she would like to eat. She is trying to tell you: “I want you to be happy and fully enjoy yourself. I will find something to eat on any menu, and I want you happy with the food.”

Best advice: Make the best educated choice in terms of what she, as well as you, might also like, not just what you would prefer. If you sense she doesn’t quite like the place, go out of your way to find items on the menu that she could be happy with. Don’t forget to order dessert. It will score you some good points even when the rest of the dinner wasn’t quite to her liking.




At the end of a date, she or he says words to the effect: “You are a nice person, but I am not ready for a relationship yet.”

Translation: For reasons unknown to you, and sometimes unknown even to the person saying it, it’s not going to work. You may never find out why. Try not to take it personally. This is most likely not about you. Most of the time it has to do with a barrier already present in the other person’s mind or life, likely even before he/she met you. The other person is letting you know, in a rather awkward way, that you shouldn’t expect anything further from him/her.

Best advice: Run! Do not insist on finding out why because he/she is unlikely to be honest with you at that point and you only humiliate yourself. Do not fool yourself by thinking, “It might work if I just…” It will not work. It’s time for you to move on, grateful that you didn’t waste any more time on that going nowhere relationship. Take it as it is and just move on. Close that chapter and do not look back.




You or one of your friends is thinking: “I don’t quite like him, but I don’t want to be alone.”

Translation: You are afraid that you will not find someone better.

Best advice: Quiet your fears. It’s not worth being with someone for fear of being alone. It’s not enough of a glue to keep a relationship together. In fact, forgiving someone’s shortcomings just for the fear of being alone is a recipe for a possibly abusive relationship. Usually people who have the courage to leave a bad or even a so-so relationship, find someone better. Almost every time.



Your new date is silent.

Translation: Silence is often hard to read. Many times though, it doesn’t mean anything bad. It usually does not mean that the other person has nothing to say. Often it is shyness that makes people quiet.

Best advice: Try to make your partner feel at ease. Do not rush to fill the silence, verbally articulating any random thought that comes to mind. Relax and take your time. Give the other a chance to collect himself/herself. Give the other plenty of time to speak. Men in general are not very good at small talk. I have often had to practice “small talk” or “how to break the ice” with my male patients. But if the silence extends for too long, or you feel your partner doesn’t have or doesn’t want to say much, then you need to draw your own conclusions from there. If you feel it doesn’t work, just walk away. Move on.


Using this way of looking at what is being said to you and what to do about it, you can come up with your own examples. Be honest with yourself even when what you discover is not to your liking. It will help you understand others better and adjust your own expectations more realistically.

Don’t feel bad if you make mistakes. Just try to practice going beyond the spoken message and figure out the meaning behind it. Often just being aware of the existence of an underlying message makes us better listeners—and translators of words into meaning.

How about your adventures in communication and miscommunication? Have you said something only to realize, a moment later, that it was misinterpreted? Have you misinterpreted something someone said to you? What were the consequences?


The pictures are details of my latest "adventures in watercolor" series. I hope you enjoyed them as a romantic post-Valentine's Day echo.

PLACEBO BIAS IN THE DEBATE ABOUT ANTIDEPRESSANTS

Depression is real. More than 25 million Americans suffer from it. Less than half of people suffering from depression, are seeking help. Depression can affect people of all ages, ethnicity and income bracket. Many suffer in silence, discouraged, hopelessly waiting for a miracle and a cure. Why? Because many people don't know whom to trust in choosing various treatment choices. Fortunately, there are many good ways to treat depression, even when severe. We should not close our minds and reject any available option. One of them is the antidepressants. This is the topic of a new article stirring a hot debate in the media. If you are depressed and looking for answers about the treatment for depression, do not discourage. Read both sides of the antidepressants debate.

The work of Irving Kirsch, Ph.D. in psychology, is the basis of an article, The Depressing News About Antidepressants, written by Sharon Begley and published in Newsweek Magazine, on February 8, 2010. Kirsch claims that, according to his statistical analysis of 38 research studies regarding the efficacy of antidepressants, they do not work much better than a placebo in the treatment of depression; therefore, they are an unwarranted way of treating depression.

The placebo effect is the mental effect of experiencing something only because we believe in it--a mental trick, if you will, that our complex minds play on us sometimes. For example, when depressed patients are given a “sugar pill” and are told that it is an antidepressant that will help them with their depression, the symptoms of depression get better based only on the person’s belief and not because of an actual effect of a chemical substance like medication. This is what Dr. Kirsch believes accounts for the beneficial effects of antidepressants.

Bias is an attitude that always favors one particular way of feeling, acting or thinking without considering other aspects of an issue. In other words, a subjective interpretation of reality--another type of mind trick that our minds play on us, making us blind to data or information or aspects of reality that are not in accordance with what we want to believe. The placebo effect and bias are produced unconsciously by our minds. If we become aware of them when they happen, they become a free choice.

Was Kirsch biased and therefore unconsciously trying to prove once again his theory that the placebo effect is the true basis of antidepressants when he meta-analyzed the data from the 38 research studies done by others?

Meta-analysis is a statistical process that combines the results of several studies addressing a set of related research hypotheses. The advantage of it is that it can draw general conclusions from the studies. But a big disadvantage of it is the fact that it leaves ample room for bias. Meta-analysis relies heavily on studies done and published by somebody else, under his own set of biased circumstances. The decision to include or to exclude certain studies from the meta-analysis is also highly subjective, as is the chosen scope of a specific meta-analysis. In medicine, these drawbacks are so significant that the results cannot be regarded, by themselves, as the definitive conclusion of a scientific debate, because meta-analysis leaves too much room for the bias and error of the researcher.

The conclusion of the article that antidepressants are not much more effective than a placebo, and therefore their use not justified, is the result of a second attempt of Kirsch to prove his point. His first attempt was in 1998. Both times he has used the meta-analysis statistical technique of taking research data and crunching them in a certain way. Is it possible that Kirsch may have wanted to prove that he was right all along since 1998 about this subject?

Kirsch is also known for his research on the placebo effect and expectancy theory. According to this theory, people’s experience depends partly on what they expect to experience. This theory has been applied to understanding not just depression but also anxiety, pain, addictions and psychogenic illnesses. Is it possible that Kirsch, the researcher who believes that the placebo effect is a very powerful element of the human psyche, has been biased by his own prior flawed research experience to attribute to the placebo effect qualities and powers that are, in reality, not quite there?

His position on depression is that it is not the result of a change in brain chemistry. Kirsch is a doctor of psychology. He is not a physician, he is not a neurobiologist, he is not a psychiatrist. And, to my knowledge, he has never been clinically depressed and tried antidepressants himself. In my opinion, he has limited expertise to make the assumption that depression is not a "real" disorder and that antidepressants don’t work any better than a placebo. Antidepressants do work. So many people can testify to that from their own experience. There is no global antidepressant conspiracy.

Patients of mine who suffer from depression are often so exhausted that rising from bed is a genuine struggle. Many think their lives are not worth living, and feel incapable of having any hope that they will ever be healthy again. Does Kirsch seriously believe, as he asserts in his article Antidepressants: The Emperor's New Drugs?, that they will get better only with physical exercise, self-help books and talk therapy at this point? Maybe not. Don’t forget prescriptions for “sugar-pill” placebos.

Unfortunately, while in crisis, the person who is contemplating suicide or the person who can barely leave his bed because of depression, will not be up to considering these other interventions, much less following them. And people suffering from depression do not have to be suicidal to know they have deal with a serious problem. Being too depressed to be able to function in everyday life is enough to make people plunge into despair. Antidepressants are very helpful in these situations. When the crisis has abated some by using antidepressants, there are various other interventions that are important and helpful—even essential. But they can not be implemented and followed by a depressed person who's symptoms have not been first quieted down with antidepressants. In order for the treatment of depression to be effective, it has to address all the symptoms of depression, not just some of them. Untreated or under-treated depression can lead to long-term disability, loss of job, income, relationships and life style.

Further complicating things, the majority of patients suffering from depression also meet the diagnosis criteria for other mental illnesses like anxiety, attention deficit or bipolar disorder. Their treatment will have to address these other problems as well. Their recovery process will look very different than that of people who suffer from depression alone, a minority. The subjects in the research studies that Kirsch has looked at were carefully selected patients that met specific depression symptoms criteria without additional complications and complexity, but they hardly reflect the reality that most people are confronted with in everyday life. Broaden the perspective on Kirsch’s statistical analysis and one finds a frightening oversimplification of the medical challenges presented by depression with its complications, complexities and dire consequences. His conclusions do not reflect and cannot be generalized to the vast majority of people suffering from depression.

Presenting a point of view based purely on meta-analysis (a statistical process) of others research studies, as Kirsch has done, while ignoring the complex clinical aspects of depression, is a grave mistake. It is a disservice done to real people, readers suffering from depression that need to consider the antidepressant option because their health depends on this decision. If they could benefit from the medication, but reject that option only because they have read the conclusions of Kirsch on the subject, and become more severely ill, that is a tragic consequence of a limited point of view too forcefully propagated by the media, without appropriate explanations for the layperson to clearly understand what it means, the pros and the cons.

I find Sharon Begely’s article both biased and narrow. And it is a disservice to their readership that Newsweek examines the controversy with seven pages presented on one side of the issue and a single page on the other side. What happened to the objective journalism? Shame! I expected so much better of Newsweek on such an important issue of health.

It is true that antidepressants are not perfect. It is also true that they have been used inappropriately sometimes and that they do not represent a magic bullet. But they do work and represent a viable option among many others that can be used to treat depression. And yes, the pharmaceutical companies have made a lot of money selling medications, not only antidepressants, especially in this country, where there is no maximum price cap as there is in Canada for example, where the government negotiated a maximum acceptable price.

There is a well researched new study from Northwest University in December 2009, saying that the SSRIs, the serotonin reuptake inhibitors, the most common kind of antidepressants used today, not only produced a marked improvement in depression compared with a placebo, but also improved patients’ behavior and personality traits unrelated to the direct improvement of depression, including an increased ability to cope with life difficulties, to see things as they are more accurately, and to have less of a doom-and-gloom attitude.

Some people are upset about antidepressants in principle. Some are upset with them because they had a negative experience using antidepressants or other medications. Many people have their own biases and fears about this issue. Also a lot of people have false expectations of medications and are bitterly disappointed when their expectations do not come to fruition.

More and more patients expect a quick fix from medication. When I tell these patients that even if they take the pill, they will still have to change their behavior or learn how to cope with stress or remove themselves from an emotionally toxic environment, they usually look at me in amazement and say, “But I thought the medication is supposed to do that for me.”
Depression is a complex problem. There is not one magic bullet that will effectively work by itself. In my clinical experience, what works well for depression, alone or linked with other mental illnesses, is a combination of interventions that are tailored carefully and specifically to fit the needs of each individual patient. This combination can include but is not limited to, mindfulness therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, life coaching and medication--the last only if and when deemed necessary in the clinical context.

Kirsch’s comments come at a time when there is an explosion of knowledge in the field of psychiatry, neurobiology, psychopharmachology, psychology and mental health. Psychiatrists are talking more and more about genuine and lasting recovery from mental illnesses, rather than only an improvement in symptoms. New types of psychotherapies are now used on a larger scale, like cognitive behavioral therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, mindfulness therapy, and others. Life coaching is gaining more recognition. Western medicine is beginning to be more open to complementary medicine--herbal remedies, homeopathy, acupuncture, massage therapy, yoga, etc. Patients suffering from depression or other mental illnesses need not choose between medication or therapy, but have the option of taking advantage of both, in a balanced, harmonious way.

Without trying to minimize the importance of the placebo effect, I would like to warn the readers of Kirsch that bias is also a powerful mental state and that, unconsciously, we may be inclined to read the statistics of research studies or a magazine article and register only the information that fits our beliefs. Perhaps the truth is somewhere in the middle:

· the placebo effect is real but also real is the experience of millions of patients who have benefited from the effects of antidepressants in order to heal and move forward in their lives;

· antidepressants are not the only way to treat depression; psychotherapy and other interventions are powerful and efficient treatment options;

· the competition between antidepressants and psychotherapy is an obsolete point of view; the two are not opposing but synergistic methods. Both aim to maximize patients’ healing and to enhance their quality of life and well being--whether used by themselves or in combination.

Healing from depression is possible. If you are depressed, talk to your internal medicine or your primary care doctor about it. Look for a psychiatrist. Find a psychotherapist or a counselor. Get a referral from a trusted friend or ask your insurance company for a list of mental health professionals.

Do not fear the antidepressants. They have their own role in the treatment of depression. To get full benefit from them, antidepressants have to be used wisely and cautiously.
Your doctor will help you balance the pros and cons of various medical research studies with your particular situation and needs.

Most importantly, you need to get the treatment that is right for you. You are not a statistic or an anonymous number in one research study or another, but a human being facing specific challenges and problems. That type of individualized care you can only get by working one on one with your own doctor, who will help you make an informed decision about the treatment choices available. There is no reason why you should continue to suffer from depression, alone and unaided.

NEVER IGNORE THE EMOTION FACTOR WHEN YOU MAKE A DECISION

“I do understand what my wife is saying,” said the frustrated husband. “She feels that instead of remodeling the garage, we need to remodel the kitchen. But here is why remodeling the kitchen is the wrong thing to do…” and he begins to tick off on his fingers one by one all the reasons why hers is not a good idea for the tenth time that session.

I see these conflicts more often lately. When the money is tight and a couple needs to choose between one thing or another, the woman becomes emotional and the man does not compromise.

One way out, would be to accomplish both goals; that way no one gets upset. But in this economy, we need to learn, again, how to prioritize.

With all this talk about recession, one important element is often completely ignored and left out of the debate: emotions. In tough times, people are expected to behave “rational,” to make “well thought out decisions,” and follow them without wavering; no hard feelings, just good decisions. The problem is, we are not computers. We have a great deal of feelings that, recession or not, still influence our “rational thinking,” whether we acknowledge them or not. Ignoring emotions leads to heated, endless arguments about who is “right” and who is “wrong,” when, in fact, both are being “emotional.”

During these arguments, I have frequently observed in the couples I work with that the two partners end up speaking two different languages. She said: “I feel betrayed by your decision to buy a new car when we needed new carpet.” He said: “Let me tell you why we don’t need a new carpet: the old one works just fine,” completely missing her point. Truth is, if he can figure out how to make her feel less misunderstood, she will probably stop resenting him for buying the car instead. But no, he will do this the “rational” way, when, truth be told, they shouldn’t have taken on either project because they had to borrow money for either.

Decisions need to be made together. When one partner is talking the language of feelings and the other thinks he is talking only the language of reason, ignoring all along each other’s point of view, both partners are talking the complicated, indirect and bewildering language of emotions.
I often find myself in a referee position, suggesting to the couples I work with revolutionary concepts like: “Have you thought of a compromise? What would be the one thing you can agree on together, even though neither of you gets his way?”

There is always a fair compromise that can be, with care, reached. A plan can be made to stagger the expenses, or scale back on the amount spent for each project or both. Or both projects may be delayed until there are savings for both. Or one may compromise for a concession that does not even involve money. Or another solution can be found. Good relationships and marriages can work out this compromise for the benefit and happiness of their life together. But if there are any fissures in that relationship or marriage, this will be time when the cracks will stare both partners in the face.

The moral of this story is: when you need to make a decision that involves someone you love, do not forget to take emotions into account. Those of both of you.

How do you work out compromises in your marriage or relationships? When you can’t, do you use a referee? Who would that be?