BULLDOZE YOUR WAY THROUGH LIFE AND YOU WILL BECOME A VICTIM OF YOUR OWN ANGER

Martha stepped into my office very flustered and unhappy.

“Remember I told you how I can’t keep my mouth shut?” she rhetorically asked as soon as she sat down. “Well, it happened again.”

“Earlier today I had a doctor’s appointment at 9:00 AM. I got up and went there early. I got there about 8:30. My husband gave me a ride and was waiting for me to be done with it because he had an important meeting at 11:00. OK, I thought, no problem: I get there early, I am done with my appointment by ten at the latest, he will have time to take me home and make it to his appointment on time. Good plan, right? So I get there early and wait. Around 8:50 this woman comes in, all in a rush, saying that she had an 8:30 appointment, she was late and she was terribly sorry. She said something to the receptionist and, suddenly, I see that they are taking her in before me.”

“I was sitting there stewing. I could feel my blood boiling. I was watching the clock. It was 9:10, then 9:15, then on toward 9:30, ticking away toward making it impossible for my husband to keep his appointment. I was getting angrier and angrier. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I got up and asked to talk to the nurse.”

“It’s not fair, I said, surprised how angry and strange my own voice sounded even to me. For me to come here on time, even earlier, hoping to be done on time and now, look, I have to change my entire day for this person who is late. Couldn’t you take me instead of her? She had her appointment time set and she was late. Why can’t you take me now? The nurse did what they always do, apologized, and said they were short staffed and that the doctor decided to do it that way. But that generic answer only made me angrier. I kept saying it wasn’t fair, finding myself short for words. I remember I wanted to stop repeating that, but I couldn’t. My anger was more powerful than my will, and all I could do was to keep going with how unhappy I was and how unfairly I was treated.”

She paused, frustrated and short of breath.

“And then what happened?” I encouraged her.

“Nothing. They asked me if I wanted to talk to the manager. I said no, I wanted to have my appointment. Did I want to reschedule? No, I came to my appointment; I wanted to have my appointment.”

“Did you get to see the doctor?”

“Yes, at 9:45. The doctor was very short with me. I don’t think he even heard me through. But he did do what he was supposed to do for me. I knew I created a lot of mayhem in the office. But I was very concerned about my husband’s appointment.”

“Did he missed it?”

“Yes, he had to reschedule it for later in the day.

Actually, he was very nice about it, which made me feel like an idiot for being so worried about him. When I saw all the concerned and stressed out faces of the receptionists and nurses and the doctor being so cold with me, I felt really bad. I felt guilty and very angry at myself because I couldn’t handle this problem better. I feel very bad about my behavior. I wish I could stop bulldozing people like that. But I can’t keep my mouth shut. I just can’t,” and she ended her story with a big sigh.

She looked hopelessly at me, as if she were saying: Now it’s your turn; tell me how to fix it.

“So,” I started, “you had your appointment when they were able to see you despite your anger, and your husband ended up rescheduling his appointment anyway. What have you accomplished by being angry and trying to bulldoze everyone in the doctor’s office?”

“Nothing!” she said frustrated. “I accomplished nothing in the end. But how can I stop myself from doing it? I have pushed away many people behaving like this. I may have even lost my job because of it, I don’t know, because my latest boss was a certified bastard anyway. But I want to stop doing this. It drives me crazy.”

Obviously, as much distress as she may have caused in that doctor’s office, it was nothing compared to the pain and guilt she caused herself. Because she wasn’t a bad person, usually she cared about upsetting people. But in those circumstances when she was unstoppably driven by her anger, she could not veer away into a more reasonable behavior.

“It’s not your mouth that has to learn how to stay shut,” I said. ”It’s your mind that needs a different framework. For example, how do you know what delayed the woman with the appointment before you? Maybe she had an emergency in her family, or who knows what may have happened in her life that she had no control over. Maybe they were short of staff in the office. Maybe there were many other reasons that no one was telling you about. Have you thought of that? It’s likely you haven’t. You were so focused on yourself.”

“No, I didn’t focus just on myself. I wasn’t selfish. I was worried about my husband.”

“You see? Your worries, your husband, your appointment, your sense of things not being fair. And in the end, who suffered the most distress? The other people will do their best to forget they had to deal with an angry patient and move on with their day. But look how upset you remained. You can’t quiet your anger even now. Actually, its effect upon you is worse now when it’s mixed with guilt.”

“Yes, I can see that even though I was right, I behaved in an uncivilized way. I do that all the time. How can I change?”

We started talking about how the angry person often does the most damage to herself in anger. That is not the intended effect, but when most of us examine incidents of our own anger, we find this to be true.

As a matter of fact, when was the last time you were angry? Who suffered the most damage—you or the other person? Was it worth it in hindsight? Be honest with yourself.

I told Martha that preventing anger is infinitely more achievable than controlling it once it is unleashed. Taking things more at face value will help; for example, yes, maybe that late patient was late because she was careless, but isn’t it just as likely, maybe even more likely, that she had an emergency or an unforeseen complication that made her late for her appointment?

We also talked about the negative transformation of the angry person’s appearance: contorted face, clenched teeth, red face. But even more profound are the internal biological transformations related to anger and stress, like increased heart rate, shallow breathing and excessive release of cortisol—a stress hormone that in excess, leads to a decrease in immunity (the likely reason why we develop more colds when we are under stress), decrease in bone density, muscle tissue, memory and concentration and an increase in blood pressure and blood glucose. Research has shown that high levels of hostility persisting long term can lead to many biological changes, including more rapid aging. There are many toxic physical reactions to the mind’s anger and hostility.

Martha herself came to see me initially, “Because I am very anxious and I don’t have any friends.” She had never seen a psychiatrist before, but the level of emotional discomfort was so intense that she decided to take this “unusual” step, as she put it, of finally seeing a psychiatrist. She was also suffering from muscular pain, especially in her lower back--another indication that her anger translated into physical symptoms. It turned out she did meet the diagnosis criteria not only for anxiety but also for depression. She benefited from antianxiety/antidepressant medications and a mild sedative to help her as needed to faster decrease the intensity of her anxiety and depression symptoms. But her biggest problem was learning how to manage her anger—the likely source of her emotional and physical discomfort.

Anger is the most negative of emotions. It is nearly impossible to control it by suppressing it or simply deciding to “keep my mouth shot.” Cultivating patience and kind understanding of others helps us to avoid saying hurtful things to others and has a protective influence on our own physical and mental health.

The Dalai Lama said about anger, that wealth, power, or even education alone cannot give us protection from the destructive effects that anger has on ourselves. He stated in his bestselling book The Art of Happiness “The only factor that can give you refuge or protection from the destructive effects of anger and hatred is your practice of tolerance and patience.”

When I told Martha that changing the way she thinks will take practice, she looked at me puzzled. “Practice?” she said, “That is going to be hard.”

“Do you want to stop being angry at yourself whenever you act ‘uncivilized’ as you said?” I asked her.

“Yes,” she answered quickly, “I am very tired of that.”

“Do you want to be at peace with yourself?”

“Yes! Who doesn’t?”

“Well then, you already know how important these things are. You also need to know that they don’t just happen. The people around you that are polite and ‘civilized’ are like that because they made a conscious decision to be patient with others and not lose their cool. As this doesn’t happen by itself, you will need to practice it every day if you want to learn to be that way.”

“How can I practice? Where do I start?” she asked, looking for a practical way to proceed.
I took one of my prescription pads and wrote: I will treat people with kindness even when I don’t understand why things happen differently than the way I want or expect. Patience and kindness is the antidote of anger and hatred.

I handed the prescription over to her. She took a long look at it.

“I can’t fill this at the pharmacy, can I?” she said, half smiling.

“I am afraid not. But this is the prescription to help you in your practice. In the long run, it works much better than a pill.”

“I have been looking for a solution to this problem all my life. Could it be this simple?”

“It’s a start. Following this way of thinking, you will discover many other methods to control your anxiety, frustration and anger--like meditation, increased awareness, yoga or aerobic exercise, and relaxation techniques. You will select, in time, what works best for you. You have been absorbing this anger for over forty years. You will not be able to undo it without effort; and it will take more than a month or two of practice. But every day of your practice, you will get better and happier. People around you will relate more kindly to you. You will stop beating yourself up because of angry encounters. Instead, you will be proud of yourself for being able to control your emotions, decrease your anxiety and your depression and gain peace in your mind.“

“Promise?” she asked scared and excited at the same time.

Are you always on time? If not, are you late because of carelessness or mostly because of unexpected events? Do you think you deserve the benefit of the doubt when late? Do you extend the benefit of the doubt to others that are late for you? The truth is we all find ourselves in that position at one time or another. And how grateful we are to the person who extends kindness and patience to us!

I hope these pictures will set your mood toward serenity and peacefulness. This painting is my latest in the "adventures in watercolor" series.