The Right Kind Of "Glue"

“I had a spiritual moment this Christmas,” said Rose, one of my dear patients, during one of our sessions between Christmas and New Year. “I had a long conversation with my brother. He has exactly the life style I always dreamt to have: marriage, children, a large home in the suburbs, two cars garage... And he says to me, out of the blue, that he feels very tired, that he hates his job and sometimes he would like to have time alone to put his thoughts in order. But he feels he has so many responsibilities, that he can’t stop from going to work day in and day out, having to keep a job that brings him no satisfaction only because he needs to provide for his family, shopping for food, help children with homework and being constantly sleep deprived . I knew he wasn’t happy with his job, but I had no idea he was that frustrated. And then, suddenly,I had my spiritual moment! I realized that maybe my childhood lifestyle dream wasn’t, after all, that good of a dream for me. Maybe now, that I am divorced, I have no children but I have plenty of time for myself, I could take advantage. I could enjoy and enhance the lifestyle I already have, rather than keep wishing to live differently, keep postponing to do anything that makes me happy. I could do humanitarian work or animal rescue. As a teacher, I could travel and teach children in Cambodia English. There are so many things I would love and could do.”

“If it’s true that people can never be completely happy,” she continued, “even when they have, by most standards, the “perfect life,” then there is nothing I should wait for. I need to make the best of my life as it is. I suddenly realized how much my brother and I missed mother. She was, in fact, the glue that kept us together. She kept us happy, no matter what kind of lifestyle we had. Now that she is no longer with us, we kind of have to find a new “glue,” our own kind of “glue” that will keep our lives from falling apart.”

Does this sound familiar to you? There are so many ways to describe it, but in essence, when we arrive at the point when we do understand that no lifestyle is really better or more satisfying or simply “more” or “different” than the one we already have, and when we finally decide to focus our attention on our own life such as it is, we discover new and amazing possibilities for happiness. It’s like a gift we give to ourselves. It’s like looking in the closet for a T-shirt and finding an evening gown. Vaguely you remember owning it, but completely forgot about its existence and now you can’t believe you haven’t put it on for ages and enjoyed wearing it more.

Rose has suffered the loss of her mother, has gone through a painful divorce and has mourned the passing of two deeply loved pets--all in the past two years. For a long while she felt, and who wouldn’t, that she can’t get a break. For the past few months though, I started to suggest that it’s time for her to look for new ways to make her life pleasant and fun again, to bring more joy to herself, to finally do some of those things she always wanted to do but kept putting them off for later. She always had, politely, considered my suggestions, but I knew she didn’t think herself to be ready to act on any of them. Not until now, when she had her “spiritual moment.” But now she’s “got it”! Just in time for the New Year. And she is going for it at full speed.

I hope you will all find your right kind of “glue” this year. Keep it together and enjoy, as much as you can, every moment of your life.

Happy New Year!

Panoramic view of Sequoia National Park, California, where I spent Christmas this year.

BON VOYAGE, MY DEAR PATIENT!

Alex came to see me six years ago. She was at a very low point in her life. Nothing seemed to work for her then. She was depressed and had so much anxiety that she was contemplating suicide just to be at peace, to get a break from the storm of thoughts and feelings swirling constantly through her mind. She has come a long way since. She has gone through many trials and succeeded in keeping her cool and getting stronger as she went. She grew as an artist and became much more accomplished, expanding her skills, exploring new frontiers of her creativity.
She had to use medication to stabilize her mood, but we managed to find a good combination (Pristiq and Seroquel) that helped her without side effects and without stifling her creativity. But career wise, she was still struggling. Los Angeles doesn’t seem to offer her the chance she needs to be financially stable, enough to not have to worry every month about where the money for the rent is going to come from. She was born and raised in Chicago. She feels Los Angeles is her home. Yet there are better work opportunities for her back in Chicago.
A few months ago, when she first began to consider moving back to Chicago, together we looked carefully at all the alternatives she had and decided that moving back there was the sensible thing for her to do. She then started planning and she did an excellent job sorting things out and reorganizing her life for the big move. Time flying the way it usually does, it took us both by surprise to realize last week that it’s time for her to actually go. We had our last face to face session last week. She will fly to Chicago on Christmas Eve—it’s final.
It was a very emotional last session. I felt like a parent who sends his favorite child to college, knowing that the best thing to do is to let her go, yet having an immense urge to keep her home, to protect her from any harm that may come.
We went again over all the details of the plan and the immediate steps she needed to take once she gets to Chicago. We talked about her having the right clothes, gloves, boots, scarves, heavy jacket, for the winter there. We talked about how Daisy, the cute poodle/terrier mix Alex rescued at my suggestion after seeing her consumed by loneliness, will look with her new boots and her new, colorful sweater that will help her fend off the cold she is not used to. While we were talking, Daisy was gamboling on the floor, chewing happily on her rawhide bone treat I gave her and waving her tail in a very good mood. Since the rescue, she has been fully trained as a companion dog. Armed with the letter I had written, stating that Daisy is not just a dog but an emotional companion, Alex could take Daisy, who rapidly became inseparable from her, everywhere she went, to stores and restaurants, buses and planes, places otherwise inaccessible to a dog.
Because Alex will have a period of transition of at least one or two months in her medical care, I gave her as many medication samples as I could to bridge her over. As I am not licensed in the state of Illinois, she will have to see a psychiatrist there and I gave her a letter for her future doctor with a summary of her medical history. We scheduled our future bimonthly phone sessions for the coming months. Through all this process, Alex has been a very good sport. She kept her focus on managing the move. She kept her emotions steady. She did everything she could to ensure a smooth transition.
But good-byes are never easy. In the end, not knowing what more I could do for her I hugged her. It was time to go and she knew it. She has to take her chances where her best opportunities are. She was apprehensive, of course. She knew I was worried about her too. But, very bravely, she knew she was ready.
At the end of the six years of working together, she now had the strength to move to the next level in her life. And she is moving on like a winner--strong, in control of her fears and with a confident smile on her face. A successful intervention, I could say. Another patient becoming “better than cured.” Yet for me it was sad to part with her. I will not be able to help her as much in Chicago as I did while she was living in Los Angeles. I have to trust she will find a good psychiatrist there and that her mood will withstand the challenges she will have to face. I have to trust that I have prepared her well for these challenges and that, in the end, she will become more fulfilled. I know I will miss her smile and her engaging, creative energy. I will miss being part of her successes as I have been fortunate enough to be until now, and I will miss being at her side when she has a setback.
But I know she will do well.
Cody-Kundalini, my red tabby cat, staring dreamely at the Christmas tree, reminds me it’s nearly Christmas and life will go on. It’s holiday season and there is much to celebrate. Soon we’ll begin a new year, with new promises and new hopes. A new beginning for all.

Dating Workshop--Conclusions, Surprises and Lessons Learned Part II

As promised, this is the second and final part of the debate at my dating workshop last week. Please do not hesitate to leave a comment. It would help me tremendously in my work as I am trying to more clearly understand what people think in general about dating and relationships.

Why do girls say “Yes” to a guy that they don’t really like? “Because I am tired of being single and not having enough sex,” said someone. “That’s what Pleasure Chest is for!” said another girl, naming a famous adult store in West Hollywood. Ah! The power of the group, I was thinking. It’s so nice, as a group leader, to just allow things to unfold after you get a really good group going.

How can you say “NO” when a man you don’t like makes advances on you? We role played this topic in the workshop. The Girl-Who-Can’t-Say-No (TGWCSN) was complaining that guys read too much into her gregarious behavior, that she only wants to have a good time and not to go to bed with all the guys at the party, yet there are always two or three who believe she is dying to have sex with them and start being sexual with her. Once or twice she did give in, she said, and had exactly the bad experience she was afraid she would. How she could avoid that, she wondered? “Imagine I am one of those guys you don’t like but they think you do,” I said. “What would you answer me if I say ‘Honey, you are so pretty! I would really like to give you a drive home, after we stop by my apartment for a drink, what do you say?” TGWCSN thought for a long moment and said in a very soft voice, as if apologizing: “But you are married!” “Wroooong!” cried out the rest of the girls. “Why is it your problem if he is married? Obviously it wasn’t a problem for him,” they commented. “You will not stop him this way,” they concluded.
“Try again,” I encouraged TGWCSN. She thought for another moment and finally said: “I can’t go with you because I am a lesbian.” “Wroooong!” came again the group’s reaction. “If you say that, he will be even more turned on. He will tell you to invite your partner and have a threesome!” We then discussed about how to use the intricacies of English language to convey politely but firmly what she thinks, even though it isn’t what the other person would like to hear. For example, she could make a joke and say “Your invitation may be tempting but I always drive myself home.” (And ladies, I hope you do. Always secure your own ride home so you don’t depend on anyone when you feel it’s time to leave.) Or she could say: “I am terribly sorry that you are not at all my type.” If you need to, my dear reader, you can formulate and practice your own favorite rejection tune, but never ever hesitate to use it if needed. Finally, TGWCSN got the idea. Practicing saying “no” became her 2010 resolution.

“I have great sex with my boyfriend now, but when we get married, can we still have good sex ten, fifteen or more years after that?” Why not? You just use your imagination. If you don’t encourage having sex with your partner, it may never happen as we are constantly engaged in the whirlwind of life. So, never give up on sex, no matter how many years you are married.

How many chances do you give a guy? “One!” was the consensus. “I will give him a second chance if his mother was in the emergency room or something like that, otherwise, just one,” said a more conciliatory participant. I was contemplating how “He’s Just Not That Into You”—the bestselling book teaching girls how to stop fantasizing about guys who have no interest in them—has very much become yesterday news.

How do you keep a relationship that is already working? Do not mess it up. Keep doing what works. Be yourself and enjoy it. If it is indeed a good relationship, it will only get better with time. If anyone lied or played a game, after two or three months, six if the guy is a really good actor, the truth will reveal itself. The relationship may fall apart sooner but if the partner was not genuine, it would have happened anyway. A blessing in disguise, after all.

Bora Bora--Breakfast served at the hut. In bora Bora you could order breakfast in your room, hut in this case, and it is delivered to you by outrigger. And this is what our neighbors, a "Just Married" Japanese couple, decided to do that morning.

Dating Workshop--Conclusions, Surprises and Lessons Learned, Part I

The workshop took place in a private conference room at the Beverly Hills Country Club. I offered coffee, tea, walnut brownies (that I baked especially for the event) and red roses, one for each participant. “Romance of the Violin” was playing in the background. The atmosphere was relaxed. I even had Japanese incense slowly burning in a corner, to make the conference room feel more private.

After exchanging the usual pleasantries about how to bake the brownies without turning them into a rock, shopping and pets (one girl was in the process of adjusting to living with indoor cats—a completely new experience for her—but she was looking forward to the challenge), we started talking about dating.

To my surprise, two thirds of the ladies in attendance came to the workshop to learn how to improve their relationships, not necessarily to learn how to date. The participants were all women in their thirties. They felt much empowered in their relationships with men. They were saying things like “If I really don’t like a guy but I can’t get rid of him at a party, I ask him for his number and I never call him.” “Do you ask for the phone number a man you do like?” I asked. “Yes, of course, and I don’t hesitate to call him first. Assuming that I really like him,” came the answer. Vaguely I remembered that this exact type of behavior was the source of much distress for women not so long ago, when men were doing this to them.

The most interesting topics of discussion were:

What are you looking for in a man? The women answered that they are looking for a good companion, a good sex partner, someone to make them laugh and brighten their lives, someone to witness their growth without staying in their way… As they were speaking, I was listening in complete awe. It was so amazing that young women today are so confident, that they no longer dream to marry someone for “security” or “to start a family,” like ten or twenty years ago, when most women were staying-home-wives and their highest purpose in life was to have children, cook and clean. These women graduated college for about ten years and were used to taking care of themselves, making their own money, paying their own bills and rent. Their idea of a partner or husband was to have someone to enjoy their lives with. What a stark contrast from their mother’s generation. Gentlemen, beware! The criteria to get and keep a girlfriend have been upgraded. The standard has been increased. Being rude and rough is no longer in fashion. I don’t know whether the ladies participating in this workshop were the voice of their generation, or just a small group, whether they were representative of the girls their age or only of the girls their age and living in big cities. But the way they were looking at relationships and romance was certainly empowering.

This picture is sunrise in Bora Bora. Since this is a post about romantic relationships and Bora Bora is one of the most romantic places on earth, I feel that the two go together well.

Why do girls say “Yes” to a guy that they don’t really like? “Because I am tired of being single and not having enough sex,” said someone. “That’s what Pleasure Chest is for!” said a girl from the group, naming a famous adult store in West Hollywood. Ah! The power of the group, I was thinking. It’s so nice, as a group leader, to just allow things to unfold after you get a really good group going.

How long should you stay in a relationship that isn’t working? Not a day longer. It will never get better, as the matter of fact it will only go downhill from there. Yes, leaving even a bad relationship is difficult (not even the bad ones are without some good memories) but in the end, it’s still not worth the trouble. Few months after leaving, usually people look back and wonder why they didn’t do it sooner.

Bora Bora: huts, lagoon and Mount Otemanu

Part II on Wednesday.

We had a pretty interesting discussion there. I hope you will find it interesting too, perhaps intriguing or even helpful.

BETTER THAN CURED IN ACTION—DATING

Contemporary women are far more assertive and independent, especially financially, than their mothers or grandmothers. They tend to have more education and to be more used to making independent decisions. The way they relate to the opposite sex has changed as well.

The following post is the working material for the workshop on dating I will lead tomorrow. I post it here in the hope that more people will find these thoughts on strategic dating, useful. I will follow this post with feed-back from the participants in the workshop, but please feel free to add your own feed-back regarding this very imortant part of our lives: dating and romantic relationships.

BETTER THAN CURED IN ACTION--DATING

In this workshop, I plan to discuss with you ways to make yourself more empowered and in control while dating. While there are many things out of our control in dating, there are some that we can definitely influence. Using the method and skills of Better Than Cured-- psychotherapy techniques, life coaching, medication (if and when needed) and personal creativity--I am hoping you will all have, by the end of this workshop, your own Better Than Cured Dating Plan.
Why do we need a dating plan? When we prepare for an exam or for a promotion we first re-evaluate the knowledge or the qualities we have and find ways to improve them the best we can so as to give ourselves the best chances to succeed. Dating is no different in this regard. The stronger we emotionally feel, the more confident in our appearance and good qualities we possess, the more successful at dating we become.

The following Dating Plan is just a blueprint. Please feel free to add to it or to subtract, as you see fit for you. We will discuss these points during the workshop, so if you don’t know exactly what to put in your plan, you will hear some ideas from others in the group.

The Dating Plan

1. Reevaluate your image—give a boost to chemistry: while the way we look isn’t everything, we do feel better when we know we look good. The goal isn’t to become a sex goddess but to look fresh and hip. After all, the first encounter is usually visual. Also that when a woman knows she looks good, she feels happier and that always makes her look younger.

a. Look through your closet and update or rethink your wardrobe. Does it match with who you are today? Is it fashionable enough or does it need some upgrading?
b. Look at yourself in a full length mirror. Do you see anything you could improve? Perhaps getting more toned up or losing a few pounds?
c. Is your hairstyle flattering? Even if it is, would you like to try something new for a change?
d. Is there anything in your image that you would like to refresh somehow?

List 5 things you can do to bring your image closer to what you would like it to be:

2. Match your behavior with who you are: We imitate others badly, but we play ourselves well. Being ourselves is not a drawback. Playing games or pretending to be something or somebody other than who we are is short lived, and it usually feels uncomfortable. Besides, it is only a matter of time before our date figures out our true self. Why waste everyone’s time? Be yourself from the start!
a. Reevaluate your interaction style. Does it match with who you are? Do you come across the way you think you do?
b. Pay attention to the verbal and nonverbal communication. Are you giving the clear message you intend to give? Do you understand his messages clearly?
c. Carefully evaluate your level of neediness. One of the most common reasons a man backs away is a needy woman.
d. Become as comfortable as you can with being single for a while.
e. How good are you at establishing eye contact?
f. How good are you at small talk? Most of what we say, especially when we don’t know someone well, is not important in content but in the underlying message. Everyone is attracted by someone who seems open and friendly, without placing too much weight, at least not at first, on her being an Einstein.

List 5 things you will watch for in your behavior, to test whether you come across to others the way you intend to:

3. Get your emotional house in order: Are you ready to date? Have you ended all other relationships that you needed to end, or you are still hanging on some false expectations? Do you have a lot of fear of moving on or anxiety about starting something new? Is this anxiety overwhelming? Do you need help in dealing with it? Do you need to work out old issues about intimacy or fears of allowing someone in your life?

List 5 things you can do to bring yourself in emotional balance:


4. How and where you plan to meet your type? Identify activities you enjoy and that can be used as opportunities to meet men you are attracted to. The best way to meet people you might like is to find some common ground: a passion for something, a game you both play, an activity you both enjoy. Not only will these activities place you in direct company of men but they will also expand your knowledge, entertain you and enrich your life. Make it a win-win situation. It helps when, especially on the first date, you keep the conversation light and easy, centered mainly on things you both like but which are also neutral.


Some examples are:
a. Take classes in which men are also interested.
b. Join an athletic group (tennis, golf, biking, and running), or find volunteer work.
c. Make sure you set a time frame to begin these activities--and keep to the time frame.


List 5 activities you enjoy doing and that would likely introduce you to men you would like to meet:


5. Figure out how to handle rejections: As dating is played in 2s, you need to be prepared for when dating a particular person doesn’t work. Dating could go wrong, or simply not going anywhere, for many different reasons. Usually, when a relationship doesn’t work, ending it saves you more disappointments down the road. It also saves you time and energy you can use to move on to the next date.

Here are few good examples of ways to handle rejection:
a. Choose someone with a judgment you can trust to help you get a reality check whenever you deal with rejection.
b. Learn how to take rejection as a fact of life.
c. Cultivate a healthy sense of humor and try your best to take rejection in stride. Laughter has a special quality of diminishing emotional pain.

List 5 ways you can use to handle rejection:

In closing, a few universal dating tips:

Do not be afraid to be yourself. If it doesn’t work, chances are that man was not right for you from the start.

Remember that good relationships are easy, not difficult. They flow effortlessly to the next level of closeness. If you find yourself working much harder than your partner to make a relationship work, you may need to reevaluate the entire relationship.

Use your creativity. Often a spontaneous thought or action can really save the day.

Flirting is not illegal. You can flirt anytime with anybody with no penalties. Isn’t that nice?
Never lose your sense of worth and your sense of humor. We are talking about dating, not the end of the world.

Sunset over Bora Bora

Bora Bora--The island James Michener described as the most beautiful island in the world

This is Bora Bora from the plane. You can see the barrier reef that protects the lagoon which has turquoise waters. The deep blue is the miles deep, wild Pacific Ocean, with big waves pounding incessantly against the reef. Protected by the reef, the waters of the lagoon are calm and clear. Many marine creatures like to live in these waters, from sharks and manta rays to all the colorful tropical fish imaginable.

To get to Bora Bora, you need to fly about eight hours from Los Angeles to Papeete in Tahiti. While doing so, you will cross the equator which, in the old tradition of sailors, meant having your head shaved as initiation. Because we are modern people and not at all sailors, my husband and I celebrated the crossing with a plastic cup of French champaigne while feeling very cramped in our narrow airplane seats. The travel now is much faster than sailing around the world, but there is plenty of discomfort in travel. When we arrived in Tahiti, we forgot all about travel fatigue. We were rewarded at last: the air was balmy and scented with fragrant flowers. From Tahiti, we embarked in a smaller plane to go from Papeete to Bora Bora.

Bora Bora airport is on a small island. The runway is very short. The pilot has to apply the brakes rather harshly if he doesn't want to run out of land and drive the plane into the water. Instead of taxis, there are small motor boats waiting to pick up the weary travelers and transport them to their hotels.

Once aboard the taxi boat, the adventure really began. In less than eleven hours of travel, we were suddenly transported into a world of such dazzling natural beauty that it overwhelmed us completely. I was snapping picture after picture trying to capture the essence of this mesmerizing world. The breeze was refreshing, the water in the lagoon warm, clear blue-green and transparent. The jagged contour of the long extinguished volcano was mysteriously enveloped in clouds. As we traveled around the island to get to our hotel, we could see the beauty of Mount Otemanu revealed from ever changing angles.

Bihind our taxi boat, the water was spreading in long tails of foam.

Finally, our destination: Intercontinental Le Moana Hotel.

Every bungalow had a coffee table with a sliding glass top. Through it, I could feed the fish living among the coral underneath. Every evening, the leftover bread from the restaurant is put outside in a basket as fish food. According to the French tradition, any bread older than one day is not fit for humans. From the moment the fish sense movement in the bungalow, they gather under it. They have learned by now that tourists have bread for them and will feed them. One day, coming back from a morning of snorkeling, sun beaten and exhauseted, we were starving. It was around 4 PM and the restaurant was closed between lunch and dinner. To tired to hunt for food elswhere, we eat the fish bread. It tasted terrific.

We swam in clouds of fish, experienced sharks that came within two feet of us, had manta rays eagerly brushed against us and viewed dazzling coral gardens while snorkeling.

When we arrived in Los Angeles, the temperature was around 57 degrees Farenheit. "Brrrr...It's the dead of winter!" exclaimed my husband who was born and raised in Los Angeles.

P.S. I wrote a far more detailed account of this trip and I had many more pictures, but somehow it got deleted so I had to content myself with this abbreviated version.