The Right Kind Of "Glue"

“I had a spiritual moment this Christmas,” said Rose, one of my dear patients, during one of our sessions between Christmas and New Year. “I had a long conversation with my brother. He has exactly the life style I always dreamt to have: marriage, children, a large home in the suburbs, two cars garage... And he says to me, out of the blue, that he feels very tired, that he hates his job and sometimes he would like to have time alone to put his thoughts in order. But he feels he has so many responsibilities, that he can’t stop from going to work day in and day out, having to keep a job that brings him no satisfaction only because he needs to provide for his family, shopping for food, help children with homework and being constantly sleep deprived . I knew he wasn’t happy with his job, but I had no idea he was that frustrated. And then, suddenly,I had my spiritual moment! I realized that maybe my childhood lifestyle dream wasn’t, after all, that good of a dream for me. Maybe now, that I am divorced, I have no children but I have plenty of time for myself, I could take advantage. I could enjoy and enhance the lifestyle I already have, rather than keep wishing to live differently, keep postponing to do anything that makes me happy. I could do humanitarian work or animal rescue. As a teacher, I could travel and teach children in Cambodia English. There are so many things I would love and could do.”

“If it’s true that people can never be completely happy,” she continued, “even when they have, by most standards, the “perfect life,” then there is nothing I should wait for. I need to make the best of my life as it is. I suddenly realized how much my brother and I missed mother. She was, in fact, the glue that kept us together. She kept us happy, no matter what kind of lifestyle we had. Now that she is no longer with us, we kind of have to find a new “glue,” our own kind of “glue” that will keep our lives from falling apart.”

Does this sound familiar to you? There are so many ways to describe it, but in essence, when we arrive at the point when we do understand that no lifestyle is really better or more satisfying or simply “more” or “different” than the one we already have, and when we finally decide to focus our attention on our own life such as it is, we discover new and amazing possibilities for happiness. It’s like a gift we give to ourselves. It’s like looking in the closet for a T-shirt and finding an evening gown. Vaguely you remember owning it, but completely forgot about its existence and now you can’t believe you haven’t put it on for ages and enjoyed wearing it more.

Rose has suffered the loss of her mother, has gone through a painful divorce and has mourned the passing of two deeply loved pets--all in the past two years. For a long while she felt, and who wouldn’t, that she can’t get a break. For the past few months though, I started to suggest that it’s time for her to look for new ways to make her life pleasant and fun again, to bring more joy to herself, to finally do some of those things she always wanted to do but kept putting them off for later. She always had, politely, considered my suggestions, but I knew she didn’t think herself to be ready to act on any of them. Not until now, when she had her “spiritual moment.” But now she’s “got it”! Just in time for the New Year. And she is going for it at full speed.

I hope you will all find your right kind of “glue” this year. Keep it together and enjoy, as much as you can, every moment of your life.

Happy New Year!

Panoramic view of Sequoia National Park, California, where I spent Christmas this year.