Dating Workshop--Conclusions, Surprises and Lessons Learned Part II

As promised, this is the second and final part of the debate at my dating workshop last week. Please do not hesitate to leave a comment. It would help me tremendously in my work as I am trying to more clearly understand what people think in general about dating and relationships.

Why do girls say “Yes” to a guy that they don’t really like? “Because I am tired of being single and not having enough sex,” said someone. “That’s what Pleasure Chest is for!” said another girl, naming a famous adult store in West Hollywood. Ah! The power of the group, I was thinking. It’s so nice, as a group leader, to just allow things to unfold after you get a really good group going.

How can you say “NO” when a man you don’t like makes advances on you? We role played this topic in the workshop. The Girl-Who-Can’t-Say-No (TGWCSN) was complaining that guys read too much into her gregarious behavior, that she only wants to have a good time and not to go to bed with all the guys at the party, yet there are always two or three who believe she is dying to have sex with them and start being sexual with her. Once or twice she did give in, she said, and had exactly the bad experience she was afraid she would. How she could avoid that, she wondered? “Imagine I am one of those guys you don’t like but they think you do,” I said. “What would you answer me if I say ‘Honey, you are so pretty! I would really like to give you a drive home, after we stop by my apartment for a drink, what do you say?” TGWCSN thought for a long moment and said in a very soft voice, as if apologizing: “But you are married!” “Wroooong!” cried out the rest of the girls. “Why is it your problem if he is married? Obviously it wasn’t a problem for him,” they commented. “You will not stop him this way,” they concluded.
“Try again,” I encouraged TGWCSN. She thought for another moment and finally said: “I can’t go with you because I am a lesbian.” “Wroooong!” came again the group’s reaction. “If you say that, he will be even more turned on. He will tell you to invite your partner and have a threesome!” We then discussed about how to use the intricacies of English language to convey politely but firmly what she thinks, even though it isn’t what the other person would like to hear. For example, she could make a joke and say “Your invitation may be tempting but I always drive myself home.” (And ladies, I hope you do. Always secure your own ride home so you don’t depend on anyone when you feel it’s time to leave.) Or she could say: “I am terribly sorry that you are not at all my type.” If you need to, my dear reader, you can formulate and practice your own favorite rejection tune, but never ever hesitate to use it if needed. Finally, TGWCSN got the idea. Practicing saying “no” became her 2010 resolution.

“I have great sex with my boyfriend now, but when we get married, can we still have good sex ten, fifteen or more years after that?” Why not? You just use your imagination. If you don’t encourage having sex with your partner, it may never happen as we are constantly engaged in the whirlwind of life. So, never give up on sex, no matter how many years you are married.

How many chances do you give a guy? “One!” was the consensus. “I will give him a second chance if his mother was in the emergency room or something like that, otherwise, just one,” said a more conciliatory participant. I was contemplating how “He’s Just Not That Into You”—the bestselling book teaching girls how to stop fantasizing about guys who have no interest in them—has very much become yesterday news.

How do you keep a relationship that is already working? Do not mess it up. Keep doing what works. Be yourself and enjoy it. If it is indeed a good relationship, it will only get better with time. If anyone lied or played a game, after two or three months, six if the guy is a really good actor, the truth will reveal itself. The relationship may fall apart sooner but if the partner was not genuine, it would have happened anyway. A blessing in disguise, after all.

Bora Bora--Breakfast served at the hut. In bora Bora you could order breakfast in your room, hut in this case, and it is delivered to you by outrigger. And this is what our neighbors, a "Just Married" Japanese couple, decided to do that morning.