Dating Workshop--Conclusions, Surprises and Lessons Learned, Part I

The workshop took place in a private conference room at the Beverly Hills Country Club. I offered coffee, tea, walnut brownies (that I baked especially for the event) and red roses, one for each participant. “Romance of the Violin” was playing in the background. The atmosphere was relaxed. I even had Japanese incense slowly burning in a corner, to make the conference room feel more private.

After exchanging the usual pleasantries about how to bake the brownies without turning them into a rock, shopping and pets (one girl was in the process of adjusting to living with indoor cats—a completely new experience for her—but she was looking forward to the challenge), we started talking about dating.

To my surprise, two thirds of the ladies in attendance came to the workshop to learn how to improve their relationships, not necessarily to learn how to date. The participants were all women in their thirties. They felt much empowered in their relationships with men. They were saying things like “If I really don’t like a guy but I can’t get rid of him at a party, I ask him for his number and I never call him.” “Do you ask for the phone number a man you do like?” I asked. “Yes, of course, and I don’t hesitate to call him first. Assuming that I really like him,” came the answer. Vaguely I remembered that this exact type of behavior was the source of much distress for women not so long ago, when men were doing this to them.

The most interesting topics of discussion were:

What are you looking for in a man? The women answered that they are looking for a good companion, a good sex partner, someone to make them laugh and brighten their lives, someone to witness their growth without staying in their way… As they were speaking, I was listening in complete awe. It was so amazing that young women today are so confident, that they no longer dream to marry someone for “security” or “to start a family,” like ten or twenty years ago, when most women were staying-home-wives and their highest purpose in life was to have children, cook and clean. These women graduated college for about ten years and were used to taking care of themselves, making their own money, paying their own bills and rent. Their idea of a partner or husband was to have someone to enjoy their lives with. What a stark contrast from their mother’s generation. Gentlemen, beware! The criteria to get and keep a girlfriend have been upgraded. The standard has been increased. Being rude and rough is no longer in fashion. I don’t know whether the ladies participating in this workshop were the voice of their generation, or just a small group, whether they were representative of the girls their age or only of the girls their age and living in big cities. But the way they were looking at relationships and romance was certainly empowering.

This picture is sunrise in Bora Bora. Since this is a post about romantic relationships and Bora Bora is one of the most romantic places on earth, I feel that the two go together well.

Why do girls say “Yes” to a guy that they don’t really like? “Because I am tired of being single and not having enough sex,” said someone. “That’s what Pleasure Chest is for!” said a girl from the group, naming a famous adult store in West Hollywood. Ah! The power of the group, I was thinking. It’s so nice, as a group leader, to just allow things to unfold after you get a really good group going.

How long should you stay in a relationship that isn’t working? Not a day longer. It will never get better, as the matter of fact it will only go downhill from there. Yes, leaving even a bad relationship is difficult (not even the bad ones are without some good memories) but in the end, it’s still not worth the trouble. Few months after leaving, usually people look back and wonder why they didn’t do it sooner.

Bora Bora: huts, lagoon and Mount Otemanu

Part II on Wednesday.

We had a pretty interesting discussion there. I hope you will find it interesting too, perhaps intriguing or even helpful.